


A Lion And A Snake Walk Into A Bar...

by Amarillis39



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, But only if you squint, Dom Theo, Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Light Angst, Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Main pairing is NottPott just saying, Male Slash, Minor Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Orgasm Delay/Denial, POV Harry Potter, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Praise Kink, Pub Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Shameless Smut, Slash, Smut, The Three Broomsticks (Harry Potter), a little plot actually, pumpkin patch writing challenge, tattooed Theo Nott
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:49:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29923341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amarillis39/pseuds/Amarillis39
Summary: How to best spend a Friday night?In a pub of course...... on an awkward double date.But Theo promised Harry a little reward if he behaves himself.And Harry is a good boy after all.
Relationships: Theodore Nott/Harry Potter, minor Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy - Relationship
Comments: 21
Kudos: 57





	A Lion And A Snake Walk Into A Bar...

**Author's Note:**

> So this got out of hands a little bit.  
> The idea was very innocent at first, then it escalated from there and I ended up with shameless smut.
> 
> One-Shot written for HPFF Pumpkin Patch; Pick-A-Spot Writing Challenge.  
> Welcome to The Three Broomsticks.
> 
> Grammarly was my beta for this so all the errors are mine and mine alone.

_Merlin, how did we end up here?_

_How do we always end up here?_

Harry mussed as his eyes rolled back in ecstasy; his cheek was pressed to the cold tiles and a strong hand was wrapped around his throat. Hot breaths were teasing the soft spot behind his ear, a tongue darted out to rib his earlobe and Harry let out a loud sigh. Not a second passed and the hand that was working the zipper of his jeans open moved to cover his mouth, the silver rings his boyfriend wore were cold against his lips. 

Harry held his breath, he could hear the muffled sound of music and conversations on the main floor; they didn’t silence the door. What if one of the patrons stumbled upon that toilet hidden away on the first floor of the pub? 

“I told you to behave, Potter. Are you going to be a good boy now and enjoy the afternoon with _our_ friends when they get here?” Theo growled in his ear and Harry felt his cock twitch in the confine of his Muggle jeans. His voice was deep and seductive, and Harry was sure that the strength it was laced with could guide him to his undoing without Theo even having to touch him. 

He nodded slowly, suddenly very distracted and his tongue darted out to tickle the inside of Theo’s hand. Oh yes, that’s right - the double date. That’s why they were here, in The Three Broomsticks. It was so easy to forget the world around when Theo purred into his ear like that.

The tattooed hand covering his mouth retracted and went back to working his jeans open and the fingers that were curled around his throat tightened and pushed Harry’s cheek harder against the tile. Harry bit his lip in a desperate attempt at stopping the needy moan that threatened to rip out of his lungs when Theo’s hand finally made its way inside his boxers and palmed his balls. “Will you behave, _Potter_?” The tilt of Theo’s posh drawl when he addressed him never failed to make Harry’s knees buckle. He nodded weakly, not trusting himself to speak.

Did they teach that in a pureblood primary school? How was it that every one of those aristocratic peacocks could command the room with a single word?

Theo’s voice was dangerous; it was like a drug. It could turn from posh and elegant to sharp and dominating in a matter of seconds and Harry never knew what to expect. 

Well, there was a lot that was dangerous about Theo. He always looked immaculate in his fashionable muggle clothes. His ink-black wavy hair was perfectly styled into a windswept pompadour, not a single strand out of place. He emanated strength and confidence with every gesture and grimace. And finally, the refined lines of tattoos covering his lithe body, poking out over the collar of his white shirt, made Harry salivate at the mere thought of seeing that man naked later. 

The hand fondling his balls was suddenly back up; Theo’s fingers were demanding entrance into Harry’s waiting mouth. He opened up and sucked on his boyfriend's digits, watching with the corner of his eye as Theo’s pupils dilated. He pulled the fingers out of Harry’s mouth, eliciting a small pop. “If you don’t behave,” he breathed in Harry’s ear as his hand snaked back inside his boxers, parting his buttocks and circling his opening. “If you don’t behave,” Theo started again, “this,” he dipped his finger in his hole as if to emphasise his point and Harry moaned, “is not going to happen later.” He moved his finger torturously slow and Harry whimpered when he brushed his prostate ever so slightly, teasingly. “Even if you beg… And we both know how much you want me inside of you. How much you like to beg,” he finished, his tone dark and full of promise, and bit his ear as he withdrew the finger. He then turned around and left the cubicle without another word.

Harry stayed there for another few minutes panting hard.

Theo Nott was the devil. That was the conclusion.

And Harry Potter, The Saintest Of Them All, fell for the devil.

Wasn’t that just hilarious?

Oh, and if that was not enough, he was about to have a double date with his best friend and her idiot boyfriend - Draco Malfoy himself. That was bound to be interesting.

And he had to behave. 

He straightened himself and splashed his face with cold water to calm his arousal. 

The toilet cubicle in The Three Broomsticks will always hold a special place in their relationship - as ridiculous as it may sound. He recalled their first ‘date’; if only what occurred on that day could be called so. They were both drunk, they met by chance and before they knew what was going on, Harry was on his knees in this very cubicle, having his mouth fucked with abandon and his hair pulled. And somehow what they thought would be a one-off was still going strong two years later.

They tended to pop by the pub, or more accurately - its toilet, every once in a while to relieve the memory of that sloppy drunken first time between them. They were romantic like that.

* * *

It was somehow even more awkward than he expected.

Harry couldn’t help but reminisce about his school days when he watched his favourite place in Hogsmeade bustle with life and music. The wooden interior was as warm and welcoming as it always has been. It was Friday night and the place was full and vibrant, patrons singing along to the band that was stationed in the corner, hugging strangers and friends alike. Butterbeer and Firewhiskey were flowing, easing conversation and prompting new friendships and romances. Loud rowdy voices and laughter penetrated the vast space and the welcoming atmosphere of the place made Harry smile involuntarily.

As un-romantic as his and Theo’s first encounter here was, it was nonetheless still a place he held dear in his heart. The warmth and contentment filled his soul when he sent his boyfriend a longing look and clasped his hand under the table. 

Madam Rosmerta gave them all a weird look and sent a wary glance towards Malfoy, as she brought their order over. The blonde man mumbled something as he hung his head, avoiding the glare of the matron. 

It has been years since the war, but as it seemed, it was not easy for some people to forget about the role that Malfoy played in it. Harry had to admit that more often than not, he was a part of that group of people himself. He knew he had to change his opinions, even if only for Hermione.

For some reason, she loved that blonde pointy prick. Well, who was he to judge anyone for their choices after all? 

He watched as Hermione clasped Malfoy’s shaking hand in both of hers and looked up at her boyfriend in worry. “Draco, why don’t we go somewhere else. I’m sure the boys will not mind,” she whispered and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. He visibly calmed and brought her hand up to his lips to kiss her knuckles. Harry personally found that Malfoy being all romantic and emotional was nauseating. But Hermione seemed to like that, and well, to each their own. 

“Leave it, Granger, it’s alright. I can handle that, we talked about it, love,” he said and the look on his face was of such pure adoration for the formidable witch that Harry’s heart suddenly, albeit reluctantly warmed up to the idea of Malfoy becoming a part of their little clique. 

The world was ending. Two-thirds of the Golden Trio dating former Slytherin elitists. He was sure there will be books written on that in the future. Even Ron was not entirely on board with that yet!

He looked at his companions as another awkward silence hung in the heavy air between them, his Auror mode suddenly on and his curiosity spiked. He surely was not the only one nervous after all.

Hermione was absentmindedly stroking Malfoy’s hand on the table, calming the slight twitch of his fingers. She had that determined look she often wore back at Hogwarts as if she set her mind on this evening to be a success, and she would make it happen, even if it was the last thing she’d ever do. She ran her finger along the rim of the pokal that held her Butterbeer, no doubt planning her next move.

Malfoy seemed to relax under Hermione’s soft caresses but he still looked, and no doubt felt, out of place in the hubbub of The Three Broomsticks. It was understandable, given his less than savoury past regarding this place. He tried to look calm as he scanned rowdy patrons and busy waiters. But the way he downed his Firewhiskey, as well as the adamance in avoiding Madam Rosmerta’s gaze - it was more than telling that he, indeed, felt uncomfortable. Although he had to admit that he felt for the blonde man, he was not about to make his life easier by suggesting they’ll relocate. This was Draco Malfoy after all, and he was still Harry Potter - he could make him sweat at least. He was not about to ruin the evening, of course, but he could still revel in Malfoy being all fidgety and nervous.

Theo looked the most comfortable of them all. He was splayed comfortably in the booth, his arm thrown over the back of it behind Harry. He was sipping on his cognac and scanned the table with an amused smirk plastered on his face. He had this air of casual ignorance and regal elegance about him that made Harry imagine all sorts of inappropriate scenarios. 

He gulped and averted his hungry eyes away from the man that drove him crazy.

He turned back to the couple in front of him. They appeared to be in the middle of some wordless conversation. Seemingly Malfoy lost because he cleared his throat uncomfortably and directed his attention to Harry. “So, Potter. Did you - uhmm - did you catch the game this weekend?” he asked and scowled. _Smooth, Malfoy. Safe choice._ Hermione looked like Christmas has come early this year as she gave her boyfriend an approving look. Malfoy’s lips quirked in a slight smile when he looked back at her. 

Yes, they really were nauseating. 

“Yes,” he said and without looking to his left he felt Theo’s expectant gaze on him. He took a sip of his Butterbeer to buy himself some more time. _Ok, here goes._ “Yes, I did. The Falcons played incredibly well. You’re a fan of theirs, or so I’m told.” He was told. He was told repeatedly by Theo and Hermione alike - like this was meant to be some world-changing information. So what if they supported the same team? It didn’t mean that they were bound to instantly become friends.

“He could have played professionally for them, you know?” Theo added as he motioned to Draco and ignoring the blonde man’s horrified look before he clasped a hand against his mouth, clearly having said too much. 

Malfoy opened his mouth to speak but Hermione was quicker. “Yes, Harry. They tried to scout him back in the fifth and sixth year, before…” _before he quit to become Death Eater,_ hung in the air. Hermione’s eyes widened in the realisation of what she was about to say and she hung her head in shame, mumbling an apology to the unnaturally pale Malfoy. 

Even Theo had the decency to look somewhat apologetic as he murmured a silent ‘ _Sorry, mate.’_

Malfoy stiffened and cleared his throat. “Yes well, I could have been a professional player but I just had to go and fuck it all up,” he said and forced a smirk and a slight chuckle.

Harry couldn’t believe it would be up to him to save the day in the end. He sighed. “I’m sure you still could, Malfoy. I recall you were not half bad back in school,” he said challengingly with a quirked eyebrow.

The man looked stricken for a moment but then his face relaxed and he fixed him with his usual Slytherin smirk. “Mind saying that again, Potter?” He turned to Hermione, “Granger love, can you record him with that speaking device you use to talk to your parents and make videos? In case he ever denies that he said that?” She swatted his arm playfully and laughed at the devious glint in his eye.

“Take the compliment, Draco,” she chided and pouted invitingly. Malfoy didn’t waste a second and leaned down to peck a soft kiss on her waiting lips.

Madame Rosmerta brought another round of drinks and the air shifted between the four. It was not so heavily laced with old prejudices and school rivalries. 

The conversation flowed almost seamlessly, except for a few awkward moments of silence here and there. 

It was always fun to watch Theo’s posh accent thicken when he had a little bit of alcohol in him and his iron resolve melted away forsaking years of tutoring on perfect diction and pronunciation. As it seemed it was the case with both purebloods, and Harry and Hermione found it incredibly amusing. 

“It must be challenging to keep up that royal drawl on daily basics, isn’t it love?” Hermione asked Malfoy and he looked at her in confusion.

“Whass dat?” he slurred slightly.

“I think it’s time for us,” Hermione announced picking up her coat and Harry stiffened when Theo’s hand snaked up his thigh and brushed his crotch. He felt his cock stir to life and gulped the last of his whiskey.

“Sure, let’s do it again,” Malfoy said, clearly surprising himself if his wide-eyed look was anything to go by. “Yes, we need to go,” he mumbled and said his goodbyes. 

“Thank you, Harry,” she said picking up her purse and smiling at the back of her retreating boyfriend. “You know, he’s funny when he drinks. He just says the ‘whole truth and nothing but the truth’ or whatever he thinks at the moment. I really can’t take him anywhere,” she laughed as she kissed both Harry’s cheeks and with a final wave at Theo she went to join her boyfriend who was holding the door open for her. 

He stiffened when Theo’s hot breath tickled his ear. “Shall we?” His voice was so laced with sin that Harry shivered in anticipation.

They stumbled into the cubicle once again this evening and Harry found himself with his back pressed against the wall, his hands bound with a spell above his head, and Theo’s fingers undoing his jeans in a lust-filled frenzy.

“You did so well today,” he whispered huskily grazing Harry’s abdomen with his teeth. Harry watched with glazed eyes as his boyfriend freed the throbbing erection that was straining his tight muggle jeans and dropped to his knees in front of him. He gave it an appreciative glance and looked back up into Harry’s eyes. “You were such a good boy, Potter,” he whispered blowing hot air across the strained tip of Harry’s cock.

“Theo…” he breathed when the curly-haired devil grazed the slit of his shaft with his teeth. 

“Shhh, Potter,” Theo whispered and fastened his mouth around Harry’s length and then released it with a wicked smile. “You want to be a good boy, don’t you?” he asked and sucked Harry’s throbbing cock into his warm and waiting mouth again.

Harry couldn’t speak. He could barely breathe. He was actually not sure if his name was Harry or Helmut, or maybe Howard. Merlin, he could even be named Draco for all he cared if Theo would just keep that sweet torture going.

“Talk!” Theo growled and he let go of Harry’s cock.

“Y-yes, sir. Yes, I want to be good. Yes, please…” Harry moaned not caring if someone heard him - they never silenced the door. The thrill of the possibility of getting caught was making their tradition even more exciting. All he wanted was for Theo to take him whole into his mouth again and do that thing with his tongue that always turned Harry into a panting, trembling mess.

“Good boy,” Theo praised and waved his wand wordlessly as he took Harry’s throbbing cock back in his hot mouth. The warmth and vibration of cleaning and lubricating spells mixed with Theo’s ministrations made Harry’s knees tremble. The hot coil of desire was twisting and growing low in his stomach, threatening to snap any moment. But he knew he couldn’t let that happen. Not just yet. 

Theo’s hands snaked their way around Harry’s body and squeezed his buttocks. Almost painfully. “Don’t move.” A deft finger teased at Harry’s opening, turning his breaths into needy pants. He wanted to arch his body into the touch but he stayed put.

He felt his tight hole clench and flutter around the finger as it rubbed at his prostate. The sensation was so overwhelming he felt lightheaded. 

He desperately wanted to bury his hands in his boyfriend’s curly locks and thrust into his mouth with fierce abandon. But he couldn’t deny the rush of adrenaline and anticipation when he was so fully dependent on another person’s mercy. And the amused glint in Theo’s eyes when he had Harry begging for release was worthy of any salacious torture he could possibly be subjected to.

They didn’t always play that way but when they did, he was more than happy to enter this headspace and just let himself go - it was freeing in a way. Handing his choices and his pleasure to another person; he trusted Theo with his life, he knew his boyfriend wouldn’t abuse the power he had over him.

It was difficult, being The Chosen One, with all eyes on him at all times; always having to play strong and collected, with all those expectations - it was good to give up the power. It was liberating to be told what to do and when to do it sometimes. 

And Theo? He had absolutely no power over his choices when he was growing up. Dark Lord, abusive father, endless pain and suffering - he needed to feel in control now. 

This was a perfect balance - they completed each other.

Theo hollowed his cheeks and sucked Harry’s length deep into his throat, eliciting a heady whimper. The coil in Harry’s stomach twisted almost painfully, edging towards the release he so desperately needed. He was simultaneously hot and cold and his whole body trembled in the throes of pleasure as he watched Theo’s head bob back and forth on his cock.

“Not yet, my love,” Theo whispered as he let go of Harry’s cock and stood up. “You’re doing so well, my sweet.” Theo’s lips were now mere inches away from his ear. His tongue teasing his neck, his teeth grazing his pulse point, making Harry keen.

Theo grabbed his shoulders and turned him around. Harry found himself in a similar position to the one he was in just a few hours later. Now his cheek was pressed to the mirror, his hot breath steaming the glass. His body was bent over the sink, his hands still magically bound above his head.

Overall it was not particularly comfortable - or rather, it was as comfortable as being in a public toilet could be - but the anticipation of what was about to happen next made Harry beg for release nonetheless. “Please…” he panted when Theo’s fingers returned to their previous activity of brushing his prostate most deliciously but never quite enough to make him see the stars. Never quite enough to make that hot coil in his stomach snap.

Theo knew him so well. He was repeatedly bringing him to the peak of his ecstasy only to slow down and revel in Harry’s needy cries and whimpers. 

Harry was reduced to a babbling mess, Theo’s fingers inside him rendering him effectively boneless. His cock was so painfully hard and throbbing he was sure a single swipe of his boyfriend’s digit would have brought him over the edge. But he knew better than to expect that.

“Can you handle more, love?” Theo slipped from his demanding and dominant role to a caring boyfriend in seconds and peppered soft kisses against the spot behind Harry’s ear. His fingers withdrawing from Harry’s tight hole.

“Yes, Theo… Please… I need - I need…” Harry panted. He wanted to come. No, he _needed_ to come.

He whimpered when he felt the tip of Theo’s cock tease at his rosebud and push inside inch by excruciating inch - Harry wanted to push his hips back and impale himself on his boyfriend’s shaft.

But he didn’t. He was a good boy after all. He waited patiently until Theo was fully sheathed within him and exhaled shakily. His core was clenching and fluttering around the hard length buried within him and the feeling was divine.

He was not coherent any more. The hotness in his stomach twisted and turned with every thrust. He moaned and whimpered as he was pushed to the brink of coming undone once again. “Theo, please… please… please…” he was repeating like a mantra, meeting every thrust. 

He let out a strangled scream when Theo suddenly hit just the spot that made him see white. And the hot weight in his belly threatened to erupt.

“Not yet.” Theo’s voice was husky and breathy in his ear - a sign that he was also on the precipice. “You are doing so well Harry. So good for me. So tight.” 

The praise almost brought Harry to his undoing but he pushed back again, delaying the impending explosion.

Theo’s thrusts became erratic and rough. Harry yelped when Theo’s hand gripped his cock tight and tugged slightly. “Come for me, my love,” he demanded hoarsely.

Harry didn’t care any more if someone could hear them. He didn’t care if they got thrown out of the pub. Hell, he didn’t care if they got arrested for their public shenanigans. 

He screamed as pleasure overtook him, the coil in his stomach finally snapping and the hot lava erupted in his body. His muscles spasmed and he cried out for Theo.

“I’ve got you, Harry. You did so well,” he panted and groaned deep in his throat as he spilt himself into Harry’s clenching core. 

“Theo…”

“Shh, I’ve got you, my sweet,” Theo murmured and released the spell that was binding Harry’s wrists. He tugged his still shivering boyfriend against his chest and buried his hand in Harry’s hair and started massaging his scalp. Theo’s other hand was running lazy circles against his back and Harry relaxed into the touch, taking comfort in the soft caresses. He was not sure he could stand now so he gripped Theo’s arms and shoulders for balance. 

Theo slid down to sit on the floor, he gently tugged Harry with him and cradled him tight against his chest. “I’ve got you, Harry. You did so well. So good for me.” There was a soft kiss on the top of Harry’s head with each praise.

Harry couldn’t help but chuckle, “Do you think we should stop coming here to shag? It seems inappropriate - I’m an Auror after all.”

“Nonsense! How else would we celebrate the spot where I got to fuck your incredible mouth for the first time,” Theo murmured and angled Harry’s face into a tentative kiss. “I’d marry you in The Three Broomsticks just to celebrate how we were reacquainted.”

“Is that something you’d like to do one day?” Harry asked surprised.

“Marry you in The Three Broomsticks? Tomorrow even,” he whispered and deepened the kiss. 

Harry didn’t know how long they stayed cuddling on the bathroom floor. It didn’t matter - he could stay there forever for all he cared.

Although, it was still a public toilet so eventually, they had to get up. Just as they finished righting themselves and Theo reached for the door it suddenly burst open.

“You didn’t -” _close the door_ , died on Harry’s tongue when he saw who it was that stumbled into the loo. 

None other than Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy stumbled into the cubicle in a frenzy of heated kisses. He hoisted her up and she wrapped her legs around his middle, pulling at his tie. “Draco…” she moaned.

Theo cleared his throat and they froze mid-kiss. 

“ _Fuck,_ ” Malfoy hissed and stared at the two men in a wide-eyed shock. Hermione in turn hid her reddening face in the crook of her boyfriend’s arm and whimpered helplessly. 

“Yeah, this is awkward,” Theo muttered examining his cuticles, a ghost of an amused smirk on his lips.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god...” Hermione mumbled, her face still hidden within the fabric of Draco’s jacket.

“That was the plan, yes,” Malfoy chuckled.

“Oh, don’t let us interrupt. We were just leaving,” Theo said with a dazzling smile as he pulled Harry out of the bathroom and shut the door behind them. They chuckled hearing Malfoy’s muffled laughter and Hermione’s curses from within the cubicle.

“That was an interesting turn of events,” Harry murmured as he dragged still snickering Theo away from the corridor and out of the pub.

“It’s just something about this place I guess,” Theo mussed as they stood outside, eyeing the lively interior through the windows. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Tumblr](https://amarillis39.tumblr.com) if you have any questions or if you just want to chat.
> 
> Kudos/Gifs/Comments, etc. are better than gold and jewels! Let me know what you think x


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